Ghost Rider's Christmas
by OptimusPrime217
Summary: In the Hero Clerks universe, see how Ghost Rider celebrates Christmas.


**A/N: Told in Ghost Rider's POV.**

In the comic book universe, during Christmas everyone had someone to spend Christmas with. The Fantastic Four had each other; the Avengers spent Christmas with new and most of the old members, the X-Men who didn't have families spent the holidays at the mansion, Robin still had Alfred, the Justice League always had a party every year, Spawn had his wife which only recently he began to appreciate, that would probably explain why she's been vomiting for the last 2 weeks. Silver Surfer had Galactus; Deathstroke had his own family, every mental patient at Arkham had one another, Punisher had his new girlfriend, Elektra, and Spider-Man & Deadpool, the hero clerks at the Marvel Quick Stop, had one another to spend Christmas together and all year round.

Everyone had somebody to spend the holidays with except me; Ghost Rider.

I can't say I blame them. I'm a 7'5, flaming skeleton who hates almost everything and just about everyone. I have no loved ones and few friends, and therefore no one to spend Christmas with.

There was a time last year when I was invited to the Avenger's Christmas party. I originally denied, telling Stark's messenger and follower, Spider-Woman, to go to my birth place until she told me She-Hulk was going to be there.

I stop my thoughts for a moment to reminisce about the Hulk's cousin that everyone's afraid to sleep with but I'd take her as soon as I got her consent. Many of my few friends think I'm insane based solely on my affections for the green skinned giantess but you have to ask yourself, why wouldn't I fall for her? Everything about her is beautiful, her eyes, her hair, her smile, her taste in clothes, and she's the only woman I know to make green skin sexy. She's also close to my size, and her strength and powers mean that she won't be hurt be me. At least that's what I hope. Not only is she extremely beautiful but she's fun loving, intelligent, free-spirited, and gentle; the type of person I can never be.

Anyways, I went to the party and it turned into a disaster. I refused to talk to anyone yet I tried flirting with She-Hulk which didn't turn out the way I wanted. I tried talking to her but when she asked me what I enjoy I realized that "Beating people who piss me off to a pulp" wasn't the best answer. I also tried the mistletoe but she would either say she had to go to the bathroom or turn her cheek to me. I guess she prefers people like Bane or Hercules. She's too good for either one of them.

The worst came when we passed out the presents. Iron Man had the nerve to give me a book on anger management, implying that I had an anger problem. When you're created in Hell and your job is to punish the truly wicked, what other emotion can you have besides rage? I showed Iron Man the extents of my rage by denting his armor, and maybe his organs, with my fist. That showed him to be a cheap bastard. In the end however, I was thrown out and asked never to come near them again.

Besides She-Hulk, what Iron Man and his Avenger's thought of me never mattered. After Civil War, he thinks he can control what I can do and who I am. Tell me I can't beat a pervert who tries to date rape a college student, or show the neighbors who won't shut up the uncut copy of "Georgia Rule" because I'm not a registered hero. Hero, that's a funny word.

And it doesn't matter if I'm to celebrate Christmas by myself. All Christmas is about is "Mommy give me this" or "Daddy I want that" and people standing around a brightly lit tree, talking about their whole year while the suicide rate gets higher. So I spent Christmas Eve by myself, the only way I knew I could; sitting on my couch by myself, and watching a Hellraiser marathon. But unbeknownst to me, my holiday was about to change.

Half way past the 3rd movie, I heard the door to my apartment being knocked. I paused the movie and went to answer it. When I was in front of the door , a leather covered fist with 4 spikes on the knuckles, wrapped in bone chains, punched me in the jaw and knocked me on my back. The arm belonging to the fist came out and opened the door to reveal my twisted copy, Vengeance.

"Vengeance!" I yelled as I stood up.

"Ghost Rider! It's been too long."

Vengeance was created somehow to be everything I wasn't. He had all my power but he got his jollies by beating, raping, and killing both the innocent and the guilty. His appearance was also an abomination. He was a 6'9 flaming skeleton like me, but he was purple with 3 spikes coming out of the top of his skull, he had sharp teeth with 10 inch canines, and his ribs stuck out of his jacket. He wore a leather jacket like me except he had a bone chain around his jacket and arms, 3 spikes on each shoulder, brown pants, and metallic boots with 4 spikes on the side and he sounded like Mark Hamill after one too many cigarettes.

"What do you want?" I asked as I prepared for the worst.

"You and I have a score that I've waited too long to settle," he pointed at me. Vengeance never liked me and saw me as a rival. I only saw him as a threat to everyone but me. I answer Vengeance's request for a fight by hitting him across the jaw. He stumbles around a bit before hitting me back.

I charge him to the floor and try to hit him, but he kicks me back with both of his feet. As I stumble back, Vengeance grabs me by the neck, drags me to the fridge, opens it, sticks my head in and starts slamming the door against my head.

Nobody uses my own refrigerator against me, so I elbow Vengeance in the jaw and he falls to the ground. I push the fridge door away from me and stomp towards him and grab him by the collar of his jacket. I drag him towards my only window, open it, and toss the foul beast of burden out.

Out of curiosity, I stick my head out to see the damage I caused to Vengeance's body. What I see is…nothing. I realize why when that purple bastard's bone chain wraps around my neck and yanks me out the window. I'm dangling near the edge of my apartment building, trying to remove the bone weapon around my neck, held by the purple bastard. He was also holding a sawed off, double barreled shotgun from Hell.

"Word of advice, Ghostie. When you throw someone out the window, just assume the best," he tells me as he aims his shotgun. Before he can pull the trigger, I lifted myself up and grabbed onto one of his purple ribs.

"I assume nothing!" I yelled out before breaking the rib off his chest. As he screamed in pain, he let go of the chain. I wouldn't go down by myself so I grabbed his leg, and as I fell I took him down with me. As we fell, I kept Vengeance under me to break my fall, and hopefully kill the monster. We both land hard on the sidewalk.

Even though Vengeance broke my fall, getting up was a pain in my lower back. As I stood up, I felt my back crack and I moaned in relief. I was about to walk back to my apartment before I heard a whistle. I turned my head to see Vengeance's abomination of a motorcycle run me over. As I lied down on the floor, I saw Vengeance get up from the ground and get on his bike. He revved up his bike and I could see that he was planning on running me over. My suspicions were answered when he drove at full speed towards me. I rolled out of the way, and as he drove on I mentally called for my bike and hopped on and sped towards my enemy.

Vengeance saw me speed up towards him. "Can't catch me, asshole!"

That taunt just pissed me off and I rode on faster until I was right next to him. He saw me take off my chain.

"Ooh, you wanna play? Come on. Come on." He taunted me further and so I shot my chain at him and it wrapped around his pathetic, purple neck. I yanked him towards me and began punching him in the face. After about 3 or 4 hits, he begins to punch back and we begin having a slugfest while driving down the rode. During our fight, Vengeance lost balance on his bike and so he jumped off his, onto mine as his bike skidded down the road. Vengeance was in front of me, punching the sides of my skull and so, I couldn't see where I was going. Eventually, I ended up crashing through the front entrance of the mall. Fortunately, all the customers were able to dodge out of the way and my bike fell to the side and we skidded down the mall. We ended up crashing into a closed Santa's house.

We should have been in pain but we both stood up groggily, staring at each other with hate in our eyes. Vengeance threw a roundhouse kick at me but I grabbed his leg before it hit me and slammed my elbow into his knee.

As he howled and held onto his damaged leg, I uppercut him and sent him flying into a "hunting and hardware" store. He landed on his back and saw me walking towards him, so he grabbed the closest weapon towards him, a machete.

"Now you're going to get it, motherfucker!" he threatened as he got up. He slashed at me and I avoided each attack. I then grabbed my own weapon in the store, a shovel. Vengeance laughed at my choice of weapon until I smacked him upside the head. I then swung my shovel upwards towards his groin and sent him flying towards a gun rack. While he was on the floor, he grabbed a nearby shotgun and some ammo. He loaded the gun and pointed it at my head put I hit him on the head and his hand until he dropped his gun. I then picked up the shotgun and took away his weapon by shooting off the arm holding the machete he grabbed. I took away both his weapons by shooting him in the crotch.

"FUCKER!" he screamed as he held onto his damaged groin with his good arm. I grab his jaw.

"Watch your language! There are children present," I taunt him as if he were a little child before breaking his jaw. "Now you stay here, I have to do some 'shopping'."

I leave him behind as I walk out of the hardware store through the broken door. All the customers in the mall stare at me but I ignore them as I walk towards the toy store. I pick up a giant Santa bag on my way and break open the door to the toy store. I fill the bag with expensive toys that most people can't afford along with some smaller things. I also pick up a PS3/MGS4 bundle pack for myself.

When I walk outside the store with all my packed toys, I'm met by a mall security officer who says something about not being allowed to steal. I knock his lights out with one punch before he can continue and go back to the hardware store for Vengeance, who was lying on the floor, probably unconscious. I didn't care, I just grabbed my chain that was still around his neck and dragged him towards my bike.

**At the Avenger's Mansion**

Iron Man was having his usual Christmas party along with all the other registered heroes who weren't X-Men or DC characters. So I decided to leave all of them a little gift. I knocked on the door and left as soon as Iron Man answered the door. He and all the other goody goodies saw nothing and the next thing they knew, the lights went off. When the lights came back on, all the heroes in the mansion gasped in shock once the saw Vengeance hanging from their tree by a chord of Christmas lights with a note that said "Merry Christmas Assholes". I think someone had a heart attack, I don't know.

**At a nearby Orphanage**

These children never have anyone to give them anything during the Holiday's. So I decided to pay them a visit. I tapped the window and was answered by a small blonde who looked like a smaller version of Spider-Man's dead girlfriend. At first, all the kids stared at me in shock. That was until they saw my sack of toys.

"Are you Santa Claus?" a young boy asked me.

"For you kids, yes," I answered. "Except I don't care whether you've been naughty or nice."

I dropped the sack on the floor. "Enjoy, and have a Merry Christmas."

I left but not before hearing all of them say "Thank You". I may hate humanity but I love kids and hearing their thanks would make me smile if I could.

**Back at the Apartment Building.**

I returned to my apartment just wanting to relax. I sat down on my couch and was about to relax until I heard my door knocking again. From the hole in the wall I could see that it was my neighbor, She-Spawn, but her husband calls her Angela. I sighed in annoyance, walked towards my door, and open it. I look down upon my neighbor, who even at 6 feet tall was still dwarfed by my size.

"What do you want Angela? I've had a rough day," I tell her and she gulps in fear. She didn't fear me as much as everyone else in town but knew better than to disrupt me after what I did to her and her husband a few weeks ago.

"Well…" she bent her arms behind her back and shuffled her feet against the ground. "me and my husband are having a get together and I thought it be nice to have you over."

I snarled at her and she got on her knees and began pleading. "Please don't hurt me!" Seems like she still had a little fear in her, despite the fact that I saved her marriage.

"Calm down woman! I'll join you, let's go," she stands up and we go across the hall to her and Spawn's apartment. In there was Spawn, Spider-Man, Deadpool, Deathstroke the Terminator, and Silver Surfer.

"What are you guys doing here?" I asked all the guests.

"We closed early and have no one else to spend Christmas with," Spider-Man explained for him and Deadpool.

"My kids are with the Titans and that drug addict, Speedy, is with Green Arrow and Black Canary," Deathstroke informed.

"It's fucking Christmas!" Silver Surfer cursed, "Galactus can kiss my ass when I want to have a good time with friends."

So in short, we did have a good time. For dinner, we had some pizza and when the delivery man arrived, Deadpool kicked him in the groin since he didn't shoot people on Christmas. We all drank eggnog; some even added a little alcohol in. I didn't because alcohol and flames equal disaster.

During the party, me and Spawn had an arm wrestling match which ended once I broke his arm off. Luckily it grew back. Deathstroke shot who he thought was Donald Trump through the window, but it turned out to be Joe Francis.

"Take that you bastard!" Spider-Man said drunkenly to the wounded entrepreneur.

"That'll teach you to make me pay $9.99 to look at boobies!" Deadpool slurred.

At the end of the night, we passed out presents. Spider-Man got a $75 Best Buy gift card, Deadpool got the entire collection of Jerry Springer DVD's, Silver Surfer got a t-shirt that said "FUCK YOU" in big, black, bold letters, Deathstroke got a new flame thrower, Spawn got an ak-47, and She-Spawn got a new leather trench coat. As for me, I got a new motorcycle helmet with flames painted on the sides.

At the end of the party, Deadpool was passed out next to the Christmas tree, Deathstroke was passed out on the couch, Spider-Man was asleep on a chair, and Spawn was asleep on the bed he shared with his wife. They were all drunk from the eggnog; only She-Spawn and me were the only ones who didn't drink. The Silver Surfer was also drunk and opening the window.

"You know what?" Surfer asked, drunk. "I feel so good right now that I just want to tell Galactus to kiss my shiny, silver ass. You know, I just might do that. Can you guys point me in the right way?"

Even though I felt it was dangerous for the Surfer to fly in his condition, I pointed him towards space. He got on his surfboard and flew away, rather unevenly. He ended up crashing into a construction site. The constructed building fell to the ground, and Silver Surfer couldn't be seen.

"I'm all right, I'm all right," he said from the ground. I decided to pick up my new helmet and She-Spawn walked me to the door.

"Merry Christmas, Ghost Rider," she hugged me and I hugged back.

"Merry Christmas," I replied and we separated. "And good luck."

"What do you mean?" she asked me as I walked back to my apartment.

"You'll find out."

I enter my apartment and set my new helmet on my coffee table. When I went to my couch, I saw my friend Jesus Christ. Yes, THE Jesus Christ except that he looked different then what you'd expect. He was average height, white haired, beardless, and always wore a white t-shirt and a black pair of shorts.

"Hey Ghost Rider," he greeted me.

"Happy Birthday, Jesus," I tell him and hand him his present, an Xbox 360 that I stole from the toy store. He takes it with a smile on his face. This was a tradition for us, he'd always visit me on his birthday and I'd give him a present. But he was still a friend and would visit me on any other day to just hang out.

"Merry Christmas, man." he shook my hand. "And remember, good will towards men."

He walked away and disappeared. I sat down on my couch and turned on my new PS3.

I hate the holidays. I hate people. But it's always good to know that there are some exceptions.

**A/N: Merry Christmas everyone!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Ghost Rider, Vengeance, Spider-Man, Deathstroke, or any of the characters featured in this story.**


End file.
